You chew chew, till all the sweetness is gone.

You lick lick, till everything has gone down.

But there still remains that little piece of chocolate or nut in the way back of your mouth.

And as much as you try to coax it to go down, it slips away from you.

Gliding around in my mouth you escape my tongue.

But I’ve finally caught you between my teeth.

Chewing you , I swallow.

But the remnants of you still remain.

I think I’ll need to gargle.

In relation to you.  I haven’t even liked you that long. And I think by now I should be over you. It’s been almost two years since our mutual weird I-like-you-but-I-can’t-say-anything-about-it phase. We didn’t even date or even verbalize anything romantic, strictly friends.

This makes me wonder, do I suck up my pride and call you? Or do I leave things how they are. See the thing is I am still mad that you stopped all contact. And especially with my other best friend too. Do you just let go of someone who you considered your best friend the last four years, or do you try and fix it tooth and nail even though it seems they stopped trying?

So far, I’ve been doing nothing and with that I feel nothing. But still, I don’t want to come upon the day when I realize you are no longer my friend and I realize I’ve truly lost you. I hate losing people and friendships. It’s such a waste. But then again, why is it that only I feel like something’s wrong here.  I know you. And if you cared, you would have called by now. I just hope you are not playing the same game as me. Not that I’m trying to play anything, I just gave up that’s all.

Pouring rain outside and I sit here with this melancholy feeling in my heart. Dissapointment in friends and myself doesn’t make not crying easier. Maybe I have too much expectations of others. And I care too much what others think. That I know but I don’t know really know how to change.

I want to change. But it seems the biggest problem for me is sleep. I find myself struggling so much just to get out of bed. And trying not to nap. I don’t know what’s this overwhelming desire to sleep means. But it’s not good. It’s not that I’m tired, I get more than enough sleep. I don’t know what it is. I try to find reasons so I can get out of bed and I find good reasons but I guess they aren’t good enough because I still lie there trying to mentally will myself to get up and get of bed.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I talked to you after two months. This was the longest we haven’t talked. I thought I was finally coming to terms with everything and moving past everything that had to do with you. How can I define our relationship? Who am I to you?

I know I want you to respect me and admire me like you do her, because she is beautiful, smart and above all wonderful. I cried today and I don’t know why. Is it all these problems in my life? My sister’s situation and my parents, my grandparents not doing well health-wise, my grandpa dying, my involvement in all of this? My bad academic record, my insistent urge to stay in America and not go to medical school in a foreign country? Am I just rebelling or am I just dreaming this pipe-dream? Because every day I seem to mess it up. Every day I give myself another reason to be a failure. And I know this, I notice it. But I still choose to do it the next day. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t even satisfy myself. And if someone can’t even satisfy themselves, what good are they? My mom told me a very true quote concerning my lack of effort in school, she said “You can lie to everyone, but at the end of the day you just cheating and lying to yourself” I’m tired of myself, I need to pick up all the broken pieces and start putting them back together. Otherwise I’m just going into this deep big black hole and will lose another three years.

I know I am disappointed in myself and I think I cried today because of that, because I know I can be better. I cried because she is everything I am not. And because even if you will never admit it, for her there will always be a part of your heart. I know this and I know you. It breaks my heart because I feel jealous of her and all her accomplishments but I still love her too. She is a great person and one is worthy of your love. And I cry because I also want to be worthy of your love. I don’t want your pity, your jokes or anything else, I just want your love. And maybe I cried because I think after three years I still haven’t come to terms with anything, I’ve just been avoiding it just like I’ve been avoiding you. But that doesn’t mean you don’t cross my mind or that I never think of you because I do. I think I’m getting better at this. I don’t know what you mean to me right now but I know I have other things to take care of in life, things that matter now.

I say I hate liars: I lie. I hate people who are late: I’m often late. I hate people with attitude: I sometimes have an attitude. I read somewhere that you often what you hate in others is what you hate most about yourself or something like that. I hate laziness: I’m probably the most laziest person, ever. Guess it’s true.

I know what I have to do. But I don’t want to do it. Even though doing it is what is going to get me what I want.  AH THE IRONY. Maybe it’s just that I’m freaking lazy. And yeah. Just lazy. LAZY. Omg so LAZY. I wish I wasn’t so lazy and that’s the problem I keep wishing, but it’s not like I do anything to change it. Sigh bad habits die so hard so hard so hard.

My life’s so easy, what the hell am I sucking at?

There are two questions I’ve been kind of dodging my whole life or pretending to answer. What kind of person do I want to be? What are my goals?

You think you have yourself figured out. That everyday you try your hardest to finish your goals, that each day you try to be the person you really want to be. But in reality, how many more to do lists will you make but not finish? How many times will you say there’s still tomorow? Time is a valuable thing. So valuable that we don’t even know it’s worth that it just quickly keeps ticking away.

Three years later I’m somehow still here but barely. Have I changed for the better? Am I just barely scraping by? There’s really no room for “just enough”, I ran out of those passes long time ago. I know I need some kind of motivation better then “I want to go to medical school”. If I really want to do this, I need to do what is necessary to accomplish this goal. Whether it’s getting out of my shell and going for things, well so be it. This is the sacrifice one needs to make. “Physicians are life-long learners” (my MCAT book and title of this post) I need to think about this and stop having such a negative approach to studying. Everytime I try I have this annoying cloud in my mind about how I’d rather be doing other things, but realized today that no one put that cloud there, I DID. I chose this. So I better follow through. And stop complaining, I want this so I better get my shit together. I want to follow through. So from today, I’m going to try and wake up and smell the fresh air outside. Rather than think I have time to do things later later later, I’m going to say NO, this is the time to be ME. And I’m going to be the ME, that I want to be.

I’m going to find that motivation, for now it’s going to be you brown eyes.

Today was one of those shitty days. I don’t know what’s been wrong lately but maybe I’m depressed or something. I don’t know. Maybe I should see a psychologist, I’ve been feeling pretty sad and more than usual. I think I’ve been depressed these last three years. Perhaps I should do something about it. But like a lot of things in life, I lack the motivation and effort.